Last night I went out into town with friends; which is fast becoming a source for blog posts!
I was the first to leave and was home by half one in the morning, having not really enjoyed myself that much. So I already know this but I have a real issue with self confidence. I’ve posted before that in front of the young people at Youth Club I’m more than happy to make a fool of myself; I’ve been known to bust some horrific looking moves to whatever tune is playing on the iPod. I do a really bad Gangnam Style, but then doesn’t everyone? However in front of adults I find it really hard to drop the stoney face that I show at all times. I barely moved on the dance floor in Harley’s.
The last time out you may remember (if you read my last post on the subject) I got rather drunk and spilled many of my thoughts & opinions. I was determined not to do that this time, for one thing getting drunk on cider meant I was in bed the whole of the next day. So this time I had one pint of cider and followed it up with several vodka, lime & lemonades. Instead of being a happy drunk enjoying myself with my friends, I turned into a very grumpy and extremely quiet not quite drunk enough person. The lemonade just filled me up and I was feeling a bit sick long before I went home, and all the liquid just diluted the alcohol.
I was slightly grumpy to start with mind you, the vodka just exacerbated it. As I type this I’m halfway through an assignment for my course which I’m struggling with, a woman I like has turned me down which affected me way more than I had anticipated and I’m steadily getting old with the prospect of being single for ever more!
For me I think confidence is a very relative thing. Some people are of course naturally confident or very good at putting on the act of being so. Out last night were some very attractive young women, much younger than me, in fact much younger than the majority of the group that was out last night. Whilst the other three blokes had no issues talking to them, I just stood at the edge looking in. There was one particular young woman who was out, probably in her early 20s who was quite simply one of the most attractive women I’ve seen in person – I know that’s not saying much considering the amount of time I’ve spent locked away at home but I have been to New York and Paris so there is some frame of reference.
Anyway I wished I’d had the confidence to speak to her, not in the hope anything would happen, I’m more than aware that I’m not a stunner!! But it would have been a start on the road to talking to the opposite sex. Small talk really isn’t something I’m good at unless I know you or know what I can talk about and sometimes even then it can be problematic.
There is a point coming, although it sounded better in my head than now as I begin to type it. Seven months ago I went to America, I was with a tour group but for a lot of the time I was on my own, I spent nearly five days in New York on my own. Walking around on my own, going into restaurants and yes, even speaking to people, although not many young attractive New Yorkers. When I got to Washington D.C. I even approached the Speaker of the House of Commons who was staying in the same hotel while on a conference, when no one else would do. I even said hello to the Japanese representative of the G8.
So how come I can approach a Member of Parliament who has been on our TV screens a lot and has been the subject of countless newspaper columns but not a pretty girl, who as I was told (although I didn’t believe it) was also looking at me.
That’s why I think its all relative; I flew for the first time on my own to the States, walked around a great deal of NY on my own, even in residential neighborhoods, walked around Washington D.C. & Chicago, crossed San Francisco to see a band, spoke to the lead singer who I greatly admire, spoke to young San Franciscans for ages at the bar and rode the night bus back across the city at gone 1am. In Chicago much to my surprise I even made an impression on an older woman who is still e-mailing me now, but back home I’m a complete wuss, go figure. I wonder if it’s because I was able to be ‘someone’ else on holiday, the confident version of me that I don’t let out, maybe it was also because I was away from the people who know me, who I think may judge me
Next time out I’ve promised to enjoy myself much more – as I was sober in the States perhaps that’s the answer, as well as taking along the confidence I have/use in the Youth Club! – I will no doubt update you dear readers.
* I’ve written nearly 900 words here, my assignment is 2,000 words. I smashed this out in 30 minutes, it’s taken me 4 days to get 1,000 written for the assignment. Personal writing is so much easier than academic! *